Copyright © 2007 Sumina Subba. All rights reserved.

I am scared. Because I know in a few minutes my life will come to an end. I am petrified. Because I have no idea how am I going to survive. I am cold, senseless, and helpless. I despise myself because I cannot do anything-anything at all. The feeling of worthlessness and impotence evoke me from the inner soul. I hate myself.

I am alone. Inside this dark hospital room, it's only me and my silence. My silence is the only companion who doesn't speak to me and yet says a thousand words. It's the only one who neither questions me nor seeks any answers. My solitude doesn't judge me or my actions and maybe, that's the reason I like its company.

I look out of the window and I see the megh forming enchanting shapes but, I feel apprehensive because they are getting dark and I know this isn't a good sign. Maybe, I am being superstitious; it doesn’t matter, I've always been one in some way or the other.

I clench my Bhagvad Gita against my chest and say a prayer for him, the person who is lying on the bed. I am praying for my husband. He looks strange with all that wires attached to his chest and with each 'beep' the machine produces, it makes me jump. I can hardly believe that this is my soul-mate, the love of my life in front of me who is struggling between the thin line of life and death. I put my hand over my heart and stare at his face. Those sunken eyes, hollow cheeks due to his considerable amount of weight loss, purple coloured half moons under his eyes caused by lack of good sleep and creases formed on his forehead, still make him appear so beautiful. My husband looks pale and has shrunken a great deal, but at least he looks at peace.

I decide not to disturb him and reluctantly turn away. Suddenly, his familiar voice breaks out, "Leaving me alone?"

I turn around and see him smiling. "No, darling. I didn't wanted to disturb you," I reply.

"Nah, don’t say that. Being with you is the most wonderful feeling I've ever felt."

I gaze at his eyes; an abyss so deep like the nights without any stars and so full of mystery like they were locked with so many secrets of life. Yet, they still carry the spark that had cast a spell over me ten years ago. I love his eyes and I say, "Have I told you that I've always loved your eyes? They were the first thing that attracted me towards you."

He chuckles like a baby being tickled and it makes lines appear near his eyes and underneath them. It makes him look fragile and exhausted; the sight breaks my heart. He speaks. "Really? I thought they made me look villainous and broody. Funny! You never mentioned it before."

I smile again but a sad one.

"You know what attracted me towards you?" asks he, looking straight at my eyes.

"What?"

And he softly begins, "The way you always cared about me. You always made me laugh with your funny little acts. You made me feel that at least there is someone in this world who cares about me. You loved me for who I am and made me feel good about myself. When I'm with you, I can be myself."

I can feel the lump in my throat and try to control the feelings overwhelming me. I say to myself ,"No, I can't be weak. Not now. Not in front of him."

I find my voice again," Well, I always had a soft corner for you. You were the greatest friend I ever had. I believed in you because you believed in me."

He looks at me with eyes filled with tears, "Nanu, you never gave up on me. Even during those turbulent times, oh, how can I forget those periods of depressing moments but you were always right next to me, holding me and supporting me. If you hadn't been in my life then, Nanu, I'd be weak. During these ten years, so many things have changed but the special bond between you and I still remains the same. And I thank you for sharing my every pain, joy and being my candle through the darkness."

I hold his hands and cry bitterly. These are the tears that I've been holding for such a long time. I have always hated tears because they make me feel vulnerable. However, today, they seem to have found their way.

"I-I-I want to live." He continues with a shaky voice. "More than anything, I-I-I want to live with you."

I don't know what to say to him, I can't even find the words to speak. All I can do is let the tears take over me. I cover my face and wish there was something I could do to help him, ease his pain or tell him that he was not going to die.

With a great effort he brings his hands to my face and strokes my cheeks; he is trembling. Finally, I say, "Don't leave me. Please don't. My life would be purposeless without you. All these years, you've always been with me and now your leaving me." I try to stifle my sobs. "I need your love."

"Nanu, don't worry. So what if I can't be with you physically, I'll always be present in your heart. Every time your hearts beats, I'm with you. With every sunshine and every sunset, I'm with you. When the flowers bloom, when the wind softy whisper in your ears, imagine that I'm by your side. Whenever you gaze at the star, our star, you can always feel me standing by your side."

I make an effort to smile and I fail.

He speaks again. "You know something? I was thinking of taking you for bungee jumping, since you are terrified of heights." His giggles tease me.

"You're such a bully!" I say. My heart feels light for a moment.

"But now I don't think that is possible in this lifetime," he whispers and stares at me with tearful eyes. There's something about those beautiful eyes of his. He is afraid, I can see, because he knows his not going to be here for long and still he is greeting his death as if it were his best friend. Oh! There's nothing I would not do to bring him back and make everything alright like the way it used to be before.

"Say something, Nanu. Don't look at me like that. People die all the time; well, mine's just a bit too early. I thought I'd be with you for an eternity, but I guess the time has come for me to leave. It's okay."

That's it! At that point, I just couldn't take it anymore. "No! It's not okay. You're not going anywhere, you hear me! Nowhere! You have to stay here with me. We need to be together because we belong to each other. I am not letting you go, not now!" I break down. "Please, don't go. Stay forever with me. I-I love you." We cling to each other as both of us cry uncontrollably.

Suddenly, he starts to gasp. His breaths becomes faster and heavier. I jerk up and hit the emergency button to call the doctor. "Hold on a little longer. Please, hold on." As I say those words I am frozen to death. I am terrified. My mind just stopped working. I see him lying there in peace, waiting for the soul collector to come and receive him with open arms. I couldn't feel, sense or hear anything except think that with every moment he is getting farther and farther away from me.

When the doctor arrived to save him, it was too late. "I am sorry." the doctor says.

I am standing here paralysed with fear, unable to do anything to save the only person in my life whom I love more than my own life. I look into those eyes, they are vacant. I cast an eye at him and touch his face, I've never seen him so peaceful and quiet but he is gone. He, with whom I had spent the most happiest moments of my life, is not going to come back forever. No matter how much I cry, there was nothing that can bring him back to me. So, I lay here with him to bid the final goodbye.

This morning I watched the fire engulf his body and turn it into ashes. A million questions ran through my mind. How was I going to live without him? How could I go to bed and not find him lying next to me? Who will I turn to when things go rough? Who will love me, caress me, and correct me when I'm wrong? No more candlelight dinners, red roses, sipping tea and holding hands in a rainy day or long walks by the river side. During every Wedding Anniversary, New Year's Eve, or Valentine's Day I will alone with his memories in my heart. I stayed there even after the wind blew the ashes into the Bagmati river. From now on nothing could make me weak because I died the night before with him.

I feel like he is now immortalized within the holy water and within me. I turn on the radio and I hear Elvis' soothing voice singing "I can't help falling in love with you".  This brings a sweet remembrance as he always sang this song for me whenever we had a huge fight. I close my eyes and reminisce the good times we had together. The first time we met, our first date, the first kiss, the day we got hitched and so much more. No words can do justice to describe what he meant to me. I gaze up at the sky and find "our star"; tonight it looks so beautiful. The cool wind blows softly in my ears as tears roll down my cheeks. But, I am not frightened anymore because you are with me.