"Amy ... Amy ..."

    The words tumbled out of Lyle's sleep-drenched mumblings as he sprawled in the bed beside Marlene and kicked at the sheets.

    In the few weeks that they had been living together Marlene had found Lyle to be a quiet sleeper. He kept to his own side of the bed, didn't snore, and never talked in his sleep. It must be those cold pills, she thought, as he rolled back and forth on the bed, tangling the bed sheets and making guttural noises. Of all the sounds Lyle had made, "Amy" was the only word Marlene had been able to make out. Lyle had never mentioned an Amy before.

    Marlene had been staring at the shadow-traced ceiling all night. Tomorrow she and Lyle were starting on the long drive from San Francisco to visit his family in Albuquerque, and Marlene was looking forward to it so much that she couldn't sleep. Lyle had told her almost nothing about his family, but promised to spend the hours in the car giving her every little detail.

    "They're a strange group," he told her.

    Marlene didn't care; she was an only child, her father had died when she was a teenager and her mother had died three years ago after a long illness. With no family of her own she basked in the thought of being part of Lyle's.

    Their bags, packed and re-packed several times by Marlene, sat in a neat stack in the hallway. Lyle's car was parked right outside and the clock radio beside the bed was set for five. Lyle hated traffic and wanted to be out of the city before the morning rush.

    He had been sneezing and coughing for days, and Marlene, her lip quivering as she bravely tried to hide her disappointment, had suggested that they postpone the trip. To her relief Lyle wouldn't hear of it. He'd be okay in the morning he insisted; all he needed was a good night's sleep. She fussed over him all evening, making him hot lemonade with honey, and administering two cold pills with extra decongestant from the packet she found in her medicine cabinet.

    "Amy..." There, he had said it again. Was it possible that he had another woman? She pulled the sheets tightly around her, and shivered at the thought. Were there any signs, something she had missed? She worked all day, but she made excuses to phone home just to hear his voice. Lyle was always home when she phoned. As far as she knew, in the two weeks they had been living together he hadn't gone out once. He was so busy writing his novel that he spent all day in her small den glued to the computer. Lyle loved quiet evenings by the fire, just the two of them. "Our love is our secret magic," he kept telling her, "there will be time later to tell the world."

    Lying beside Lyle in the dark, she frowned at herself for even considering the thought of him seeing another woman. Amy must be someone from his past, Marlene decided. That was only a little bit better. She was ten years older than he was and she worried about being compared to previous women. She and Lyle had made an agreement not to talk about past loves, but she assumed a tall, good-looking man like Lyle would have had lots of girlfriends before her.

    This is all so negative, she thought. It was just a name. She forced herself to think of other, more positive explanations. Maybe it was a girl from high school. Maybe it was someone he had a crush on but was too shy to ask out. Marlene smiled at the thought of Lyle having a crush on her. She settled into her pillow and started one of her little movies in her mind.

    Marlene, the famous opera singer, stands at the entrance of the grand ballroom, beautiful and elegant in her designer dress and expensive shoes. The vast room is lit by a huge, crystal chandelier and festooned with fresh flowers. Soldiers in bright red uniforms spin women dressed in wide, white gowns around and around and around. A buzz runs through the crowd as she is noticed, and everyone stops dancing. Marlene flows down the main staircase, and there at the bottom is Lyle, the movie star, elegant in his tuxedo. He is presented to her by the Grand Duke and she holds out her hand to be kissed. She feels a flush creep up her chest and neck as Lyle, keeping his eyes fixed on hers, bends down and presses his warm lips ardently to her hand.

    The truth was that they had met through a dating service on the Internet. It wasn't something Marlene was comfortable with and she wriggled with a pang of embarrassment. She could recall being in her twenties and laughing at the idea of anyone so desperate as to look for love in the want-ads. "Never say never," she whispered out loud trying to relieve the stab of self loathing.

    She rallied to her own defense. Didn't she deserve love no matter how she had found it? After all, she had spent every spare moment for ten years cooking meals for her mother, taking her back and forth to endless doctor's appointments, and administering a bewildering variety of medicines. She remembered walking away from the funeral, her right hand gritty from the dirt she had thrown on the coffin, and realizing she was free to go and do what she wanted. For ten years her mother had drained the life out of her, leaving her with no time for either love or career. She had studied graphic design in college and was trained in computer graphics. She turned down all the interesting jobs when she graduated and took a low-paying job at a local supermarket just to stay in rural Maine. Her mother had spent all of her life there and refused to move. Later, as she placed flowers on her mother's grave, she whispered to the tombstone that it was her time now. She cried as she explained that she needed to get away from the East Coast and all those memories. The next week she accepted a job offer with an Internet company in San Francisco. It had taken her two years of hard work to catch up, but now she had a great job as a web site designer that stretched her skills to the utmost. Best of all she was now making double what she had made back East.

    Six months ago, while working on the design of a talking dog biscuit for the HappyPet Supermarket web-site, she looked up and realized that this was the fifth weekend in a row she had spent working. Getting up from her desk she looked around the empty office. Everyone else was out living their lives. She was forty-two; she had no family and she had no friends. The realization hit her that she had just replaced the demands of her mother with the demands of a job. The thought of being alone for the rest of her life clung to her like cold, wet clothing.

    That night, she sat down with a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and took a personal inventory. She worked out twice a week and was in good shape for a woman of forty-two. She had straight, brown hair with only a few strands of gray, a pleasant, if slightly chubby, face, and a fair body. She took a quick sip of the Cabernet and admitted to herself that she was slightly overweight. Her upper arms drooped unbecomingly and with age her body had spread a little here and a little there--but she certainly wasn't fat. There were a few men at work that she was attracted to, but they didn't show the least interest. It made her angry that they were always eyeing the young women in the office. Sometimes she felt like yelling at them that she was a woman too, and she had a lot of love to give someone.

    With half the bottle of Cabernet gone she decided to turn to the Internet. She owed her job and salary to the Internet, an environment she was comfortable with, and what could be more natural that using it to find love? She took her glass of wine and marched into her den. Resolutely refusing to listen to those inner critical voices, she compared the various Internet dating services and settled on www.foreverlove.com.

    As she read the final version she worried about saying she was still in her thirties. Another glass of Cabernet and she convinced herself that it was just marketing--after all, everyone exaggerated. If you said forties everyone would assume late forties, maybe early fifties. The thought of being alone in her fifties gave her the courage she needed to click on the mouse and post her ad. The next day, feeling miserable with a hangover, her inner voices heaped scorn on her for being so naïve. Her ad was one among thousands. She didn't even have a photograph. How could it possibly compete with all the other ads, with their pictures of bright-eyed, young women with perky noses and perfect smiles?

    To her surprise she was lucky. After ignoring a few inept and ungrammatical replies she received an email from Lyle. It was direct and witty and yet carried an air of sensitivity that she found immediately captivating. Lyle explained that he couldn't do justice to his feelings in emails and was much more comfortable on the phone. After a few more emails back and forth, she had risked phoning the cell phone number he sent her. He was charming on the phone, and they had several long calls that lasted late into the night. Finally she made the plunge and agreed to their first date.

    Marlene shivered as she remembered their first date. That whole day she hadn't got anything done at work, she just kept staring into space wondering and worrying. What would he look like? Would he like her? It had taken her hours to get ready and her hand shook so much she could barely put her lipstick on. She stood in front of the restaurant in her new blue dress and matching shoes, too scared to go in. After ten minutes she saw that she looked ridiculous standing on the sidewalk and forced herself to walk through the door. She knew it was him immediately. He was sitting alone at a table, a tall man with curly, brown hair. What brought a smile to her face, as she crossed the restaurant to his table, were his long, slender hands curled around his wine glass with a gentle grip. When he stood and towered over her she found herself short of breath. Not a traditionally handsome face but a face that crinkled when he smiled, in a way that reminded her of her father. They chatted all evening and she basked in the experience of being the total focus of someone's attention. He was interested in her, in her work, and in her opinions. It was as if he had turned on the heat and her words boiled out like too much popcorn in a saucepan.

    She loved to play over and over in her mind what had followed. Even the memories left her breathless. With Lyle she felt frightened and exhilarated, the same way she had felt on the white water rafting trip the company had taken them on last summer. All you could do was hang on and go for the ride. Every day there was something new. He delighted her with a dozen red roses delivered to her door, charmed her with an unexpected gift of an antique hand-made lace doily, and tugged at her heart with his sincerity in long, nightly phone conversations. A week after they met she invited him to her apartment, and cooked him Coq au Vin from a new recipe she had found on the web. She shared a bottle of her favorite Cabernet with him in front of the gas fireplace. He cried when she told him about her loneliness. He made no attempt to wipe his tears away and in seconds her tears matched his. They fell into each other arms and made love on her Mexican rug.

    Lyle had come to San Francisco to write a novel. "It's a center of creativity," he said, "I can't write in Albuquerque." He was living on the few thousand dollars he'd saved working as security guard. He told her about the tawdry motel, and how expensive it was, despite the noisy fights at night and constant visits by police and ambulances. He finally conceded that it didn't make sense for him to spend so much money on a motel when her apartment was empty all day, and she had a perfectly good computer in her den. Later that night he had gone and fetched his battered, American Tourister suitcase and they hadn't spent a night apart since.

    Marlene's favorite memory, and one she played over and over in her mind, happened a week after Lyle moved in. Kneeling on the Mexican rug, his face lit by the glow of the fireplace, he had asked her to marry him. She was so happy that tears streamed down her face and she got such a big lump in her throat that she couldn't talk. She bobbed her head up and down and showered him with wet, teary kisses. She thought she would burst with happiness when he told her that he wanted her to have his grandmother's engagement ring, a flawless, one caret diamond in a setting of sapphire chips. The ring was in Albuquerque with his mother. He would formally propose and slip it on her finger when they made a trip to visit his parents. They agreed that she should not tell her co-workers until the ring was actually on her left hand. She felt a thrill of guilty pleasure every time she thought of how envious the women at work would be. She played the scene over and over in her mind, picturing herself on her first day back at work, holding out her hand and letting them examine her beautiful ring. Lying in bed she couldn't stop smiling. She hugged herself hard to stop her shivers of happiness from disturbing Lyle.

    She looked at the green, glowing face of the clock beside the bed. It was 1 AM. "Go to sleep," she told herself. "You have to get up early tomorrow and you know what you're like without any sleep."

    "Amy." Lyle muttered.

    Marlene froze. There, he had said that name again. Maybe it was more serious than just a girl in high school. She held her breath, trying to hear even the slightest murmur.

    "Amy ...Amy Sussex ..." The words came out of Lyle's mouth as a groan. There was something yearning about it and it made Marlene uncomfortable to hear Lyle say another woman's name in that way.

    She got up, pulled on her dark blue cotton robe and went to the bathroom. The bright lights, and their reflections off the mirror and white tiles dazzled her eyes. She took a wet facecloth, went back to the bedroom and gently sponged Lyle's face. It seemed to soothe him and he rolled over onto his side, which was his normal sleeping position. In a few minutes his breathing was slow and steady. Marlene gave a quiet sigh of relief.

    She took the facecloth back to the bathroom and washed it out. As she walked back down the hallway a flickering light in the den caught her eye. She pushed the door open and saw that her computer was running a screensaver. A white and red plane flew around the sky blue screen, disappearing on one side and reappearing on the other. The coming and going of the plane made the room brighter, then darker.

    On an impulse Marlene went over to the computer and checked her personal email account. Nothing. She didn't get much email at home, and there certainly wasn't any reason anyone would be emailing her at 1:30 in the morning, but she always hoped there would be something. She was just about to go back to bed when a thought hit her. She hesitated for a moment and then double-clicked her web browser and went to the search feature. She typed in "Amy Sussex" and hit the return key.

    There were 85 matches. Mostly Amy's who lived in Sussex, England. She didn't really want to search through all these. She went back to the search input and re-typed the name, this time with a quote mark at each end so the search engine would look for the exact two-word combination. This time there were only 24 hits. She scanned down the list. There was an assistant producer in Hollywood, a lawyer in New York, and a preacher in Phoenix. She was just about to close down the browser when she saw at the bottom, "...FOUND BODY IDENTIFIED..."

    Marlene stared at this. She shivered and drew her robe closer. Did this have anything to do with Lyle?

    "Don't be silly," she muttered out loud. The sound of her voice startled her. Get a grip she thought, you're starting to talk to yourself. Anyway, why was she doing this when she should be trying to sleep? Did she suspect Lyle of being involved in this? She felt a flash of shame. Wasn't love all about trust? With an impatient click of the mouse, she closed the program. She went back to the bedroom and carefully got under the sheets, trying not to disturb Lyle.

    Sleep wouldn't come. She couldn't stop thinking about the word "body". She tried to drive all such thoughts out of her mind. Get some sleep, she told herself, close your eyes and relax. A minute later her eyes popped open. It was no use. If she didn't sleep tonight she knew the long drive tomorrow would be uncomfortable, and she so wanted to savor every minute of it.

    Lyle turned over in his sleep. She felt a flash of irritation as she was pushed to the edge of the bed. Lyle was a large man, six foot four and over two hundred and twenty pounds. If she wanted to shift him back to his side she would have to wake him up.

    Marlene got up and put on her robe again. She stood in the hallway outside the den, hesitating. She heard Lyle say something, whatever it was she couldn't make it out. She strode into the den and started the browser. The same search yielded the same list of results. Just look at it and show yourself what a silly fool you are, then maybe you can get some sleep. She clicked on "...FOUND BODY IDENTIFIED..."

The first thing she saw was a picture of a middle-aged woman. It looked like some kind of identification photograph. She was staring straight at the camera with a serious look on her face. She was a small woman with short black hair. She had a thin face, sharp nose, and her teeth were a little too large.

    Marlene sat back and studied the picture of Amy Sussex. The wide brown eyes stared back at her. She almost looked like she was trying to say something. Oh, don't be silly, Marlene told herself. This picture was taken God knows how many years before her suicide. It's late at night and you're starting to imagine things.

    Marlene wiped a bit of dust off the screen with tissue. She should just close this down and go back to bed. Had Amy known Lyle? Probably not, but she felt curious about Amy. Amy had met someone, but where? Had she picked him up at a bar? She didn't seem to be the bar type. She read the story again, "Paradigm Technologies, a San Francisco software company". Amy had worked at a computer company, maybe she had used the Internet to find someone. A thought struck her. Did she use the same service that Marlene had, www.foreverlove.com?

    Marlene felt a chill. Had anyone else thought of that? Did Amy have an account at a dating service? It was a long shot, but sleep was impossible now anyway. She needed more information about Amy. She went to the web page for Paradigm Technologies. The company had its own search feature and she typed in "Amy Sussex" and hit the button labeled "search". Up popped a page that was a tribute to Amy Sussex from the employees. Marlene read down the short paragraphs of people telling little stories about Amy or just expressing their grief. Mostly they were belatedly acknowledging small acts of kindness.

    One of the notes caught Marlene's eye. It was from the woman, Susan Smythe, who was quoted in the news report.

    Marlene read this twice. Then she went to the search engine and did a search for 'Pendessa'. Most of the hits were for someone's last name, there was a Michael Pendessa and a Judy Pendessa. Down the list was a Pendessa Insurance company. Below that was "Pendessa the dragon." Marlene looked at the web address. She could tell immediately that it was located at one of those sites where anyone can set up a free web site in return for a little advertising on the bottom. She clicked on the link and was rewarded with a white page with a repeating pattern of red dragons as a background.

    "This is Pendessa's own web page!" the heading in large type announced. In smaller type below it said "Done by her special friend." Marlene looked at the web site with professional interest. It was a simple site but it had clearly taken a lot of trouble--a labor of love. There was a gallery of dragon pictures. There were a few poems that were purported to be written by Pendessa. There was a little biography of Pendessa. Pendessa was female and she lived in a magical land called Ellevale. She was a magic dragon and went around the country helping people. There was nothing on the page that would connect it with Amy Sussex.

    Marlene looked through the site. On one page was a large picture of a little silver dragon pendant. It was a little crude and looked a bit more like a horse than a dragon. The text explained that "Pendessa's special friend" had taken a class in jewelry and had made a little pendant of Pendessa. There was a note about how the special friend had dropped it and the right, rear leg had bent. When the special friend had tried to straighten it, it had broken off. The special friend wrote how she had been so upset about hurting Pendessa that she had cried all evening. She had put a little bandage on Pendessa's leg to reattach it. Marlene peered at the pendant in the picture and saw that the rear right leg appeared to be wrapped with a tiny strip of silver gaffer tape.

    Was the "special friend" Amy Sussex? There was no way to tell. The name Pendessa seemed unique enough, but maybe Amy had just borrowed the name from a book. A thought struck Marlene. She went back to the news story of Amy's suicide. Sure enough, in the picture Amy was wearing a pendant around her neck. Marlene zoomed in on the picture and looked closely at the blocky image. She could just see that it was a silver animal and the right rear leg had something wrapped around it.

    Marlene went back to the Pendessa web site. "Hello Amy," she whispered.

    Looking at the website of a dead woman gave her chills. How long would this web site remain? There was no cost and hence no time limit. Already on the Internet there were abandoned websites that hadn't been touched in six years. This one could stay here indefinitely, as a virtual crypt to the ideas and interests of a woman unhappy enough to kill herself. Marlene doubted if anyone else but her had connected this page to Amy Sussex. It was so sad to imagine Amy sitting at home, working on her web page to express her love for an imaginary friend.

    It was dead quiet in the den as Marlene stared at the web site. It gave her a bit of a thrill to think that she knew something no one else did. Then she remembered the foreverlove web site. It seemed far fetched, but had Amy met someone there? A picture of Lyle flashed into her mind but she put it aside. She was sure there was no connection between this Amy Sussex and Lyle, but she couldn't resist exploring further.

    Marlene went to the foreverlove site and looked at the home page. If you wanted to post an ad you needed an account, and an account required a username and a password. Because the username was displayed for all to see, no one used their real name. The site abounded with names like 'witchyone', 'blondy', and 'cutie'. Marlene had used Desiree, a name she used to dream about having when she was a girl. Actually she had used Desiree99, as Desiree was already taken.

    Marlene went to the login screen and typed in 'Pendessa' as the user name. She hit the 'forgot password?' button. She felt a shiver of excitement when it didn't reject the user name; that meant there was an account for Pendessa. Marlene remembered that when she had created her account she had to enter a question or a phrase as a hint in case she forgot her password. For this account it came up with, 'home land?' Marlene's fingers were shaking as she typed in 'ellevale'. There was a pause, then a new page appeared--she was logged in.

    Marlene felt like a burglar as she went to the account owner's profile. First name: Amy, Last name: Sussex. Marlene realized she had been holding her breath and let it go with a whoosh. Her heart thumped in her chest. It really was Amy Sussex's account. She read Amy's ad and saw it was a lot like her own had been. Lonely woman looking for life companion. Marlene went back to the profile and noted the email address. It was pendessa@hotmail.com. She nodded. She had gotten a hotmail account for her ad as well. Hotmail was a web-based email service that gave out free email accounts to anyone. Replies to the ad would be sent to that account. They were totally anonymous. No one wanted to use their work account in case a co-worker might read it. No one used their regular home account, as someone might be able to connect it to a name and address.

    Marlene went to the hotmail site. It also wanted a sign-in name and a password. People rarely change their names and password, Marlene thought. She used the account name of pendessa and the password as 'ellevale'.

    The password was rejected as being invalid. Marlene looked at the screen and tapped her fingers on the edge of the keyboard in vexation. She was so close. There was no password hint feature on this site. They wanted you to contact the administrator if you lost your password. Marlene certainly didn't want to do that. She went back to Amy's home page and looked at all the likely phrases. Then she printed out the pages of text from the web page. She went back to the memorial at Paradigm Technologies and printed that out, then she went to the news report about the suicide and printed that out also. Taking the pages off the printer she started underlining all the likely candidates for a password. Then one by one she tried them: "firedragon", "whitewing", "flamebreather"...

    It was 4:27 on the computer's clock when she got to "dragonlove" and she was in. There, on her screen, was a list of Amy's email messages. She scanned through the subjects. She stopped at one entitled 'Reply to your ad', it was from bigguy@hotmail.com. She clicked it and the screen filled with text.

    She let out a gasp as she realized it was the same letter Lyle had sent her.

    "What are you doing?"

    Marlene gave a scream and jumped in the chair.

    Lyle filled the doorway as he stared at her. He shook his head trying to clear away the cobwebs of sleep.

    "Nothing," Marlene replied as she minimized the window with a deft click of the mouse. "I couldn't sleep, so I was just checking my email. You startled me."

    "I thought you got enough of that at work," Lyle said as he came behind Marlene and looked over her shoulder at the screen. His hand rested lightly on her neck. "What were you looking at?"

    "Ah... I was just browsing around..."

    Lyle reached over her shoulder, put his hand down over her right hand, and moved the mouse. His hand was so strong that Marlene couldn't stop him putting the pointer on top of the browser icon and clicking it. The screen of his email to Amy Sussex popped up.

    There was a silence. Lyle studied the email. The name Pendessa was right at the top. Marlene could hardly breathe. Lyle's fingers overpowered Marlene as he moved the mouse to the back button and clicked. It brought up the news report of Amy's suicide.

    Lyle looked at it and staggered backwards. "She's dead? She committed suicide?" He sat down on the leather reclining chair with a thud.

    "You knew her?"

    "Not really." He looked right at Marlene as if seeing her for the first time. "Did you read the rest of the email?"

    Marlene shook her head. "Just that one."

    "We got as far as exchanging names and then she stopped replying to my emails. I assumed she'd met someone else." He paused and shook his head. "It makes me feel weird knowing that I was emailing someone who committed suicide."

    Marlene felt hot and confused. "But that letter you sent her, it was the same as mine."

    Lyle nodded. "It didn't even start as a letter. One night I sat down and wrote what I felt about relationships, life, and love. It was my statement. I told you I don't like email as a way of expressing those thoughts."

    Marlene nodded.

    "I didn't see how I could say it any better. So I sent that out to two or three people, hoping that someone would understand me," he looked up and smiled shyly, "and finally I found you."

    Marlene came over and sat on his lap and kissed him. They clung to each other and Lyle stroked her back.

    Lyle's voice was muffled as his head was buried between her breasts. "Did you think I had something to do with her death?"

    Marlene laughed as he nuzzled and kissed her. "I don't think so really. It's just that in the middle of the night things seem so black and threatening."

    Lyle stood up and placed her down in the reclining chair. He looked down at her, his face drawn in a stern expression. "How did you find out about Amy Sussex? How did you get into her email account?"

    Marlene squirmed in the chair. "You mentioned her name in your sleep. I found her ad and managed to guess her password."

    Marlene held her breath as Lyle stood over her thinking about her answer. Finally he said, "Even though she's dead I think you should respect the privacy of the poor woman."

    Marlene flushed and hung her head in shame. "I'm sorry...I just got carried away."

    Lyle walked over to the computer and clicked forward to Amy's email account. He selected all the messages and hit delete. "There, now she can rest in peace." The screen gave a brief, green flash and went black as he turned off the power switch, and the room settled into an acute silence as the hum of the computer faded slowly away.

    Lyle walked over to the chair and scooped her up in his strong arms. Marlene loved the feel of being whirled around as he carried her out of the den and into the bedroom.

    "You shouldn't get yourself stirred up with stuff in the middle of the night. Things always seem much different in the daylight," he said as he opened her robe and covered her body with his.

***

    They were flying down the highway across the flat interior of California with the sun spilling languorous heat into the car. It was ten in the morning and San Francisco was far behind them.

    Lyle had the window open and was enjoying the wind as it billowed his open shirt like a spinnaker. One arm was resting on the open window and the other was draped behind Marlene's neck. He smiled at Marlene as he stroked her neck giving her little shivers of pleasure. "It's days like these that I live for. I just know it's going to be one of those really satisfying days," he said.

    Marlene smiled and pushed the back of her head into his hand. She was trying to capture every moment so she could relive it later. "Are we going close to the Grand Canyon?" she asked.

    Lyle laughed. "The Grand Canyon's just a tourist trap. I'll show you some real canyons. Only people from the South West know about them. They're not as big as the Grand Canyon, but the colors are wonderful and the view from the edge is better than anything the Grand Canyon can offer."

    Marlene dived into the glove compartment for a map. She wanted to see where they were going. As she pulled it out something fell to the floor. She reached down and picked it up. The sun sparkled on a small, silver dragon with a tiny bit of tape on its right hind leg.