Call it serendipity. It was simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time. There I was, enjoying a Big EZ cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake when it happened. Jerome Kinsley, my future client, injured himself badly, not once, but twice. On the premises of EZ Burger Emporium. It was a clear-cut case of liability. And I, an attorney trained in liability cases, was there to witness it.

It would be the biggest case of my life. For the first time, I had the opportunity to make a small fortune on a civil lawsuit, and I was drooling over the prospect. Visions of BMWs, yachts, and a seaside resort danced in my head as I prepared for the court appearance. It was less than a week away, and I still had a lot of work to do.

Jerome Kinsley vs. Big EZ Burger Emporium, et al. You may not have heard of the place, but it is big in certain parts of the country. They are a fast food joint, like McDonalds, Burger King, and so on. "EZ" stands for "Extra Zesty". No matter. They were liable. I was going to see that my client would get a huge settlement, and I would get a huge fee. At any rate, Jerome, my client, took a chunk out of his tongue when he bit into the burger, a double cheeseburger with pickles and onions. To compound the problem, when he ran out of the place he stubbed his toe, causing further injury to his body and psyche.

Frivolous, you may ask? There is no such thing in my line of work. Any injury, no matter how it was sustained, is subject to liability by the establishment in which it occurred. If you are looking that precedent up in the law books, forget it. It isn’t there. But take it from me, it’s an unwritten law in American jurisprudence. You have heard the expression "buyer beware", I know. There’s another, lesser known one, "seller beware" when it comes to liability.

As Jerome’s attorney, I had put together a compelling case. We would be asking for five million dollars, plus loss of pay. The fact that it happened on Sunday is irrelevant. A lot of people work on Sunday. He could have easily been one of them.

Now I knew the attorney for EZ Burger would contend that they are not responsible for anyone who bites his tongue while eating their burgers. Nonsense! They prepared the burger. They sold the burger. They provided a table where he could eat the burger. Need I go on? I had a strong case, and I was looking forward to presenting it in court.

Alas, it was my misfortune to draw Judge Elliot. He was clearly under the thumb of big business. Most of the civil cases were resolved in favor of the defendants—businesses. On the rare occasions when the plaintiff prevailed, the awards were paltry, less than a million dollars. Oh, I know. The poor guy who had his leg crushed by a falling pillar in a Las Vegas casino won a huge award. But that was an exception to Judge Elliot’s parsimonious rule. I was extremely unhappy about the situation.

But, professional that I am, I made the most of it. I would argue my case as if the judge were my own father. In fact, I considered it a challenge. And I liked the David and Goliath aspect as well. Jerome Kinsley versus big business and a big business judge. He is ably represented by Howard Bellflower, (me), known in the legal circles at "The King Of The Downtrodden". Actually, that is a paraphrase, but you get the idea.

The big day finally arrived. I prepared Jerome for the appearance with all the care and cunning of a Hollywood film studio. His foot was in a cast and he was on crutches. He held his mouth at an awkward angle and slurred his speech. Perfect! Now, some people may argue that this was an overblown attempt at sympathy from the judge since the accident happened over six months ago. I understand their point of view. It was for that reason that I vetoed the idea of having him arrive in an ambulance with an attending nurse.

I was surprised to find that the defense was represented by a single attorney—a young man who couldn’t have been more than a year out of law school. It was clear to me. They were sending a message to the judge that this case did not warrant a battery of lawyers. Well, I’d teach them a thing or two. I nodded to the young man. He threw me a fleeting smile, yawned and looked away.

The bailiff entered the courtroom with an officious air. "All rise!" he said.

I looked around. Not counting the court reporter, there were only three of us in the room, and we were already standing. I stood a little straighter. The judge, with a flowing black robe, strode into the room. He nodded curtly in our general direction and sat down. Picking up a file that lay on the desk, he opened it and read it briefly.

"Kinsley vs Big EZ." He closed the file and leaned back. Recognizing me from previous court appearances, he grimaced. He bent forward, looked me in the eye and said, "Not again."

"Your honor," I replied, unruffled by his attitude. "This is a serious charge my client is presenting."

The judge frowned. "Where have I heard that before?" He waved a dismissive hand. "Never mind. Proceed."

I straightened my tie, stepped forward and addressed the judge. "Your honor, my client is asking a judgment against EZ Burger Emporium Incorporated for negligence, providing an unsafe establishment, and incompetence, thus causing grievous damage to his physical and mental well being."

Judge Elliot was reading the brief that covered the case. "It says here that Mister Kinsley bit his tongue while eating a double cheeseburger prepared and served by EZ Burger." His frown deepened. "That is ridiculous!"

"With all due respect, your honor," I replied, "it was a serious bite, causing bleeding and pain beyond description."

"I don’t care about that," the judge said. "How can EZ Burger be held liable for something like that? He could have bitten his tongue eating a hot dog from Orange Julius."

"In which case," I said triumphantly, "we would be suing Orange Julius."

That silenced him. However, the snicker emanating from the defense attorney was louder than necessary and an obvious gesture to influence Judge Elliot. I glowered at the upstart lawyer, then turned my attention back to the bench.

"That is only part of the lawsuit, as compelling as it may be. While reacting to the trauma of biting his tongue, my client stubbed his toe while running from the establishment." I pointed to the cast on Kinsley’s foot.

"And you contend that this, too, was the fault of EZ Burger?" Judge Elliot said.

"Yes. You see, if they had a ‘No Shoes, No Service’ policy, my client would not have been in there barefoot. Negligence, your honor. Sheer negligence."

The judge shifted in his chair and pursed his lips, obviously impressed by my brilliant argument. Judge Elliot was no fool. He knew his law.

Then he grimaced. "Excuse me," he said with a rueful smile. "Hemorrhoids."

I hid my disappointment. Perhaps I was being too subtle.

"Your honor," the defense attorney said in a bemused voice. "I would like to respond to the plaintiff’s allegations of negligence." He straightened his tie and threw a glance in my direction. "The EZ Burger Emporium does have a ‘No Shoes, No Service’ policy. However, in this case the plaintiff was at the walkup window. Certainly we have no control over the sidewalk."

"Interesting," the judge said.

I was on my feet. Good attorneys are always ready for the type of gimmick that the defense attorney just used.

"Your honor," I said. "Sidewalk tables are provided by EZ Burger for their customers. The presence of these tables makes the sidewalk an integral part of the restaurant, and liability for any mishaps lies squarely on the shoulder of EZ Burger."

I sat down, pleased with my lucid interpretation of the law.

The judge looked dubious. The defense attorney rose slowly, stifled another yawn and looked at the judge.

"I move the case be dismissed."

"Objection!" I said.

"You cannot object to the request," Judge Elliot reminded me. He turned to the attorney. "As much as I am inclined to agree, I have come this far in the hearing. I will allow the attorney for the plaintiff finish his presentation." He glared at me. "So far I find no merit whatsoever in your argument."

"I would like to cite the case wherein the judgment against McDonalds to a lady who doused herself with scalding coffee was settled in her favor for several million dollars."

Judge Elliot snorted. "First of all, I was not the presiding judge on that one. And subsequent appeals reduced the award to well under a million dollars."

"We’ll settle for that," I replied.

The laughter from the defense attorney was totally unnecessary and I objected to the bench. "The learned attorney for the defense is acting in a frivolous manner that has no place in a court of law," I said. "And while I’m at it I would request that you admonish the bailiff as well."

Judge Elliot nodded. "That’s the first sensible thing I have heard today." He turned to the defense attorney. "This is a court of law. Please conduct yourself accordingly. After this is over we can both have a good laugh, but not now."

"Sorry, your honor," the attorney replied. "I meant no disrespect."

Turning his attention to my client, the judge scowled. "This is the first time I have ever seen a stubbed toe require a cast."

"That was my attorney’s idea," Kinsley said.

I nudged him in the ribs. Things were not going well.

"Your honor, there was danger of reinjury, infection and possibly amputation if the toe was not protected. In that event we would be seeking a much larger settlement. I was merely thinking of Big EZ as well as my client. I’m a fair man."

I wasn’t certain whether the sound from the defense attorney was laughter or simply snorting. Before I had a chance to object, he was on his feet.

"If the court please," he said. "I would again ask for dismissal." He glanced at his watch. "We have spent forty-five precious minutes on this idiocy. Surely there are valid cases waiting to be heard."

I could not allow the defense attorney to get away with such a remark. "Your honor," I said. "The plaintiff has the right to…"

"Wait a minute," my client said. "It was your idea to do this. I didn’t want to sue anybody. I bit my tongue and stubbed my toe. My fault. Why are we doing this?"

I was appalled. Searching frantically for some way to extricate my client from the mess he had put us in, I silenced him with a scowl. Before I could do more, the judge spoke.

"Mr. Kinsley," he said. "I salute you for your candor and your willingness to accept responsibility for your actions. It is rare to have a petitioner admit to having contributed to the incident." Ignoring me, he turned to the defense attorney.

"I will consider your request for dismissal. But in light of Mister Kinsley’s refreshing testimony, I would like to find for the plaintiff to this extent." He wrote something on his note pad.

"Mister Kinsley, you were eating a double cheeseburger, true?"

"With everything on it, your honor."

"Large fries and a milkshake?"

"That’s right."

"Good." He looked at the defense attorney. "Cheeseburger, $1.99. French fries, $1.19. Milk shake, $1.89. Tax, thirty-five cents. A total of five dollars and forty-two cents." He banged his gavel. "So ordered."

I started to protest, but the judge had risen and strode from the courtroom. I sat down slowly, my head in my hands. What had gone wrong, I wondered. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to see the defense attorney standing over me looking as smug as Lady Godiva’s hairdresser. He handed me a piece of paper.

"Here," he said. "This coupon is good for EZ Burger’s Gourmet Meal complete with a chocolate sundae dessert. It is more than the judgment called for." He dug in his pocket and took out another coupon. "To show there are no hard feelings I’m giving you one as well. Good at any EZ Burger. No expiration." Stifling a laugh, he nodded to me, picked up his briefcase and left.

I’m accustomed to judgments going against my client. It’s the fault of the system. Judges are appointed by the good old boy system. The courts are stacked against the little guy. But I am not giving up. As long as there are innocent people out there hurting themselves, I’ll be there to see that they get a fair shake. Or in this case a free shake. One of these days someone is going to spill coffee on themselves. Believe me, I’ll be there. In the meantime, I have a meal coupon to redeem.