I heard a knock on the door but I couldn’t move. I was pinned to the floor. A few minutes later I heard the door open. I could only assume it was my best friend Issy who was supposed to come over to help me pick out some new furniture. Isabella was an average 23 year old who had everything handed to her. She came from a rich family that she completely despised. I could only think one thing at this moment at least her whole family was living. As I saw her glowing body enter the brightly decorated spring breakfast room she called my name until she looked down at me and screamed.

I couldn’t think of the words; it was like so many things were floating around in my head. I lay there as if I were paralyzed. Finally I mumbled three words "Cassidy died yesterday in the Virginia Tech killing." But to me those words still had no meaning. It was the first time I had ever used those words in a sentence but I had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last.

As I looked into her deep hazel eyes I lost myself into a memory from nearly 20 years ago. I began to envision it more clearly. Cass came running towards me; she was holding two small grape popsicles, which happened to be our favorite flavors. She screamed, "April come on, we are going to visit Eva at college." Eva was 10 years older than I and almost 13 years older than Cass. Even with the years that gapped in age Cass always had a deep admiration for Eva. I remember Cass saying I wasn’t to go to Virginia Tech and be just like Eva a foreign translator. I rolled my eyes as I often did when she spoke of Eva

Suddenly I broke out of my memory back into the harsh reality that had just been born upon me. As I lay there I heard Issy on the phone in the other room talking to one my aunts informing her of the death. I heard some crying and something about funeral arrangements. There are two kinds of people in life. One type is the kind that when a tragedy happens can’t deal with it, so they plan and keep themselves busy in order to shut out the pain. The other type is people that immediately go into grieving and can’t stop being sad. I was the second type of person. But Issy was the first type. And of course she wrote the obituary. You see Issy was a writer for the Williamsburg Times. She had gone to school with me at Columbia where we met and she got her journalism degree and I got my degree in psychology.

It was weird that I had studied psychology for six years and I had helped and treated many people with severe depression but yet I couldn’t help myself.

Remember when I was telling you about the two different types of people. Well my mom was also a type two. She sounded like she didn’t even seem like she cared. She put off the crying and the grieving till she couldn’t out if off any longer.

I began to think about my life. Right now I am a psychologist who has opened a successful business. But as I lay there I thought about where I lived. Would I ever be able to see that maple tree down at the courthouse where Cass and I had spent so many hours? Would I be able to go to the mall and shop without her image haunting me. Could I ever forget her? I knew the answer was no, but could I stay in a place that brought back so many memories. Or would running away make me loose her memories.

"I am going to order some comfort food. What would you like, pizza or maybe some macaroni or maybe even some mashed potatoes?" Isabella stood there as she brushed out her hair and flipped through the drawer for takeout menus.

‘I am not really that hungry right now, I just want to go to bed." I exclaimed I felt like I was going to collapse. But then suddenly I felt Issy wrap her arms around me and I got the feeling that eventually maybe everything would be okay.

All the other deliverymen came and I think Isabella must have been very hungry because we had enough to feed an army. Isabella had already set the table. She had out every kind of soda and juice in the world. As I sat there and thought about juice I started to think about how soda and juice represented Cass and me. I would be the Mountain Dew, the wild crazy hyper one. Kind of like the wild card, the person no one really knew what was going to happen to. Cassidy however would have definitely been the apple juice, sweet and classic but just there to please the parents and adults.

Eva however never really was around us much so if you asked me to describe her I couldn’t say much. I obviously knew she looked very heavily Italian and was the glamorous sister. However when I thought of her personality we were always so distant that I couldn’t think of much. She was the kind of sister I loved because I had to, not because I knew her well. But I am sure that if I really thought about it I could say she was talented at everything. She had the gift of gab. She could tell the gossip of every grade in the school. I think something that really affected Cass and my relationship with Eva was the fact that we couldn’t tell her secrets because we were always afraid the whole school would find out. But Eva really didn’t mind she was so busy keeping track of everyone else’s life she barely had time for her family or let alone herself.

I think my parents had a hard time with Eva mostly because she wasn’t the kind of person that would voluntarily be part of high-class society. She refused to have her debutante or coming out party; she didn’t want the white gown life. Now that I think back on it I don’t think any of us really wanted to stand around and do a fan dance just to make our date fall madly in love with us; Cass and I did it to make our parents happy. You know how no matter what when you are walking a dog it always seems to pull the opposite way that you are walking? Well, Eva would be that kind of a dog. Cass and I were more like Golden Retrievers. We would do whatever the owner wanted, the owners being our parents. Eva belonged solely to herself.

I wish I knew what I wanted. I came from this picture perfect world and now the picture frame had just fallen and broken. The picture frame is like the support for the picture. It keeps it clean, safe, and holds it up. Cass was my frame. Without her everything seemed to collapse. I didn’t know whether I wanted to just keep living my life, take some time off or even forget this ever happened. I thought about what Cassidy would want me to do more than I thought about Eva and finally it dawned on me it doesn’t matter what they want, it matters what I want. It is hard to think about what you want when you are so used to trying to please everyone else around you. Trust me it is darn near impossible.

As I looked up my fiancé was standing over me. He picked me up sat back down and laid me on his lap. "Baby are you okay?" Bleak said. "I just heard about Cassidy." He hugged me hard enough to know that he loved me but soft enough to know that he really cared. The one thing I love about Bleak the most is that he knows how to act in different situations. He was pretty much the most important part of me left in the world. We were supposed to get married this coming winter. He sat there and I began to fall asleep in his arms. When I woke up he hadn’t moved; he was sitting there with the most peaceful look on his face.

"Hi honey, I can’t really talk about it that much; my mouth is still trying to drink in all this situation," I said, as I looked at him and thought how lucky he was he still had all his siblings.

"April, it’s okay. We will talk when you are ready." But he didn’t move he was going to stay until he knew I was okay. Even if it took up the rest of our lives, he was in it for the duration. From that moment on I knew he loved me with almost the love you have for your family. We had so much of a history it was hard for me to imagine him with someone else or even me with another guy.

I waved Issy inside. As she entered she said, "I saw Bleak left work early for you. Now April I know you keep not wanting to talk but you have to sometime. Cassidy would want you to go on and live life crazily just like she did." Isabella spoke not looking at me because she probably knew she couldn’t say anything that harsh while looking into my deep hazel eyes.

I burst into tears and in all of about five seconds Bleak had come running in.

"What’s wrong honey? You were fine when I left, are you okay?" Looking up he saw Isabella standing there with a look that told him in a second she had said something. "Okay Isabella what did you say this time? Come on honey can’t you understand that April is hurting Can you try to only say things that will help her?" he said with an irritated tone. Bleak was always the protector. I never worried when I was around him because I always felt so safe.

"I am sorry, I didn’t mean to upset her. I am just so tired I can’t even think before I talk. Why don’t I go home get some sleep and come back tomorrow," Issy said, as she walked towards the door.

"April you know everything will be okay. You have got me and Issy and your whole family. Now come on, are you hungry?" he asked, as he began to give me a slight smile.

I didn’t really want to eat but I was becoming very hungry. "Yes I am kind of. A little. Maybe. There are some leftovers in the fridge. Or you can order out. I don’t really care," I said as I thought about how much money I must spend on take out a month. But I guess I can afford it just fine.

"Honey you know we can’t eat leftovers! I’ll call the Café Rignon and order us some sandwiches, soup and salad. We can eat on the patio. I think the sun will help clear your mind a little." Bleak pulled out his mobile, oh, a Treo phone this month, not a BlackBerry, and called the Café.

After about twenty minutes the bell rang, but by that time the maid had shown up, so she answered the door for us. I don’t know if I really like maids. I like being able to answer my own door and pick up the phone. The other thing is when you have a maid you can never find the little TV guide. This becomes quite annoying after a while. But I guess if I want to be a society girl this is what happens. She brought the food out to Bleak and me on the patio.

"I didn’t really know what you were in the mood for so I just ordered all your favorites!" Bleak said as he waited until I took what I wanted before he took his food. As we ate he playfully threw an olive at me. I didn’t mind, I knew he hated them. So I playfully threw back a crouton. Soon we were in a full throttle food fight! It was the most fun I had had all week.

That was the great thing about Bleak; he knew what would make me happy or sad. He knew how to have a good time! We were both laughing as hard we were crying. Some would say these were childish games for little kids and inappropriate games for adults. However, I say why not act like kids while you live? You only live once so live it up big! Cass sure did. I had a feeling no matter what happened in my life it would always trace back to Cass.

I wonder if that’s healthy? Maybe if only I could learn to focus my mind so that it didn’t wander off into the corners of my mind that I wanted to stay tucked away. You know how when you and your best friend have a fight or you break up with your boyfriend you make a box of all the things they had ever given you or all the pictures or even sometimes the memories. Well, usually you put that box away so you never have to see. But my box of Cass’s kept coming unlocked and venturing through every part of my life. It was haunting me and I couldn’t figure out why. Maybe It had a to do with a secret she was keeping. But Cass couldn’t keep secrets.

Today was going to be the hardest day I had yet to face. I dreaded this day. Not only because everyone would be there to see me cry or because I had to put up with my parents and their society friends, but because I had to let go of my sister and best friend all in one day. I had to say goodbye and know that I would never see her face, that I could never forget again

As I put on a Gucci black silk dress that had just come in from the dry cleaners, I thought about how this would be the last time I ever wore this particular dress. Sure I might be able to find a similar cocktail dress but this one would end up in a box stored in a vault that was fire-proof.

I hate crying in front of people, I always feel so pitiful. To me being pitied is horrible. I don’t want people felling sorry for me, I just want to get this dream–no this nightmare–all done with. Then maybe I could go back to a normal life. What am I thinking? My life could never be completely normal. But maybe there is more to life than being normal. Maybe it is about dealing with whatever life tosses you. But if you ask me I would rather be normal than having to worry about dealing with pain.

As I got in the car to go to the funeral home I began crying; when we drove up to the church I stopped. It is strange and random. As I looked up I saw the apple tree. That is what had started it all, I had to move. I will have to leave soon.

Soon I felt a cool breeze blow in through the car. I looked over and saw my future husband holding the door open for me. "Come on honey, time to go into the church."

As I climbed down from the SUV I saw my sister, Eva obviously; she was standing with a man I had never seen before. We came running toward each other and immediately gave each other a huge hug. "Hey Eva, how you doing?" I asked, knowing that she wasn’t doing well but just asking to be polite.

"I am holding in there," she replied. My focus changed back to the guy she was standing with. He couldn’t have been over 23 I would say. He was obviously European, I think Italian or Swedish, and he was gorgeous. But who was he? He wasn’t family and he wasn’t Eva’s husband. Maybe a friend of the family.

"I am sorry but if you don’t mind me asking who is this guy?" I asked, not to be blunt, I just really wanted to know.

"Oh I am sorry, my name is Ethan. I am, well was I guess, Cass’s boyfriend," he said, then politely excused himself to go join some of Cass’s old friends. Cass had never mentioned him before, though we told each other everything. See Cass had been studying abroad for a year in her freshman year. She studied in Barcelona so maybe he had met her there. But why would he have flown all the way to the US to see her funeral. More importantly how did he know about the funeral?

We went into the church, where I sat in the very front row with Eva, Bleak, Isabella, my parents, and Ethan. Then the reverend spoke and he called on Ethan to give a eulogy. I listened to him speak to see how much he knew about my sister. He nailed it, he knew everything about her and he did so well telling about her. Now why had she kept him hidden from me?

Soon the funeral was over and I was glad. There was a reception at some fancy restaurant my parents had picked out. I ordered chicken rigatoni. Ethan sat next to Bleak, with me on the other side.

I noticed that what was his name, oh right Ethan, was very helpful; he had one of the little kids sitting on his lap and was feeding him from the bottle.

We finally arrived home around seven. I went upstairs and began packing my things into some old luggage. Bleak entered the room and looked at me with confusion. "Where are we going honey? Vacation? Do we have some function that we need to go to cause I am not really in the mood for those stuffy people right now."

"No honey, I am taking a vacation," I said as I went into the large Victorian styled bathroom to get all the things I would need.

"Where are we vacationing to?" he asked, as he went into the closet to grab his luggage.

"Well, you see this isn’t really a vacation, it is more like a break for me. An escape I guess. Somewhere I get away from all the memories. Somewhere I can go and figure out my life. By myself, I think."

"But we are getting married. We can’t just take a break now. Come on, I will go with you, it will be fun," Bleak said, as he was digging through the drawers.

"No hon, I will call you when I get there." Then I walked out with my luggage and climbed into my car and just started to drive. My phone was ringing every second so finally I just turned it off. I finally hit a small town in upper Massachusetts. It was around mid-morning when got there. It was beautiful. As I was walking through town I entered what seemed to be the local diner.

"Hi honey! Just one? You must be new in town." Her name was Ginny or at least that is what the little name-tag read.

"Yup just one." She walked me towards a table near a window. I sat down and started looking over the menu. I was going to order coffee and a cheddar cheese omelet. I heard whispers all around me. Who is that? Where did she come from? What is she doing here? I ordered my food and it came out almost instantaneously. It was delicious. I could taste clearly again and I felt great. I paid the bill, then walked back outside and began exploring the tiny innocent town.

I walked by an old Victorian home with a sign in front that said: Rooms To Rent. I walked into the building and saw a sign that read landlord. I knocked on the door and heard a "Come in." I entered the room and said, "Hi, I am new in town and was wondering if there were any rooms I could rent here?" I looked up and sitting there in front of me was a young guy that couldn’t be the owner. He looked like a model.

"Yeah, we have some rooms. Hold on a second. I’ll show you one of them and you can tell me if you like it. Let’s go." We walked up a beautiful staircase where there were beautiful maple wood doors. "Ok," he said, "this is our master suite. It has one bedroom, a bathroom, a living room, and kitchen." He said it in a very bored tone.

"Now excuse me for being a little, well impolite, but you look young to be a landlord," I said, as I dug through my bag to find my checking book.

"Oh no, I am the owner’s son. But I got stuck working here for the summer because I couldn’t model this summer because well never mind. Anyway, would you like the room? It is $600 a month." This guy was really good at selling things I thought.

"Yes, I will take it. Now I have one other question. Why has no one ever heard of this town?"

"It is a lost town. Kind of like a town where people go when their life falls to pieces," he said, as he pulled out a lease agreement.

Wow! How serendipitous that I came across the town of broken things. I filled out the paperwork and then moved in. My new apartment felt quite empty. Since I had driven up I didn’t have any furniture. But I went shopping and that fixed everything. I had bought some basic furniture that when I did to go back home I could use. I had gotten to go furniture shopping all along. As I went out for diner that night I stopped by that same small rustic diner. I got the same weird stares that I am sure new people around here always get. They are all probably thinking, "Who is the Rockefeller?" But they weren’t about to find out. But I bet all of them probably had pasts just as horrible or even worse than mine. We were all on that same roller coaster. Some of them were just a little further in the game than I was. A different waiter came up with the check. "Oh my god!" I shrieked! I dropped my glass of water and I heard each tiny particle of glass hit the floor but my ears couldn’t believe it. Every eye in the diner was on me. The whole town probably thought I was crazy. But they didn’t know the half of it. It was Ethan.

"April, hi! How are you I didn’t know you lived here, how strange!" he said, with that innocent small town grin on his face. Well obviously he didn’t know I lived here, I just moved. This would hopefully be the most embarrassing day in this new town. Otherwise I don’t know if I could take the small town drama; in a big city everyone kind of blends in with the faded gray of the sidewalks. It is like soup everything mixed together. This was like a salad, you could see all the crisp structures of everyone. It forced everyone to be friendly and mingle. Something that I hated but had learn how to do quite well from all the events I had been dragged off to. But anyway why was Ethan in the town of broken things and more importantly who was the little girl calling him daddy. She was about three maybe four years old and looked just like him. I noticed that he and this little girl were dragging me outside to a nearby park bench.

"Hi April, this is my daughter Maria." He kept talking but I cut him off.

"Wait I thought you said you were dating my sister! You weren’t cheating on her were you? HOW COULD YOU!"

"No, this is Cassidy’s daughter too. We had her in Italy a few years ago. The agreement was I would raise her in Italy. Then when the funeral happened I had to come back. My cousins have a house up here so we have been visiting. I am sorry to break this to you, but I thought you should know, seeing you were her best friend."

Why hadn’t she told me? She was probably scared our parents would find out but still she had a daughter and I didn’t even know. Weird. But the thing that was great about it was I had a piece of Cassidy left. Something to remember her by. Now I know I would never ever forget her. And who knows, maybe me Bleak and I can adopt her.

I finished the roller coaster that day. Knowing there was a piece of her left on the earth made it easier. I found her secret that she had managed to keep tucked away for three years. I knew now our journey was over. I could return home and live my life with Bleak and maybe Maria. I couldn’t let her slip through my fingers, not without a fight.